Let Me Be Honest: Not So Random Thoughts Before Bed


Guess who took a summer sabbatical from writing? This chick! But guess who is back ready to shake up the world with my thoughts on love, life, business and anything else this 40-year-old Detroit ’til the day I die brain can think of? This chick!

I was encouraged by a very good friend of mine to write about the elephant in the room. This elephant comes across many social media feeds, Facebook groups, homegirl conversations and anywhere else single women reside. The elephant’s name is HONESTY. And tonight, I want the single 40 & over-with children-who have been through some stuff-but still desire a healthy relationship-but it seems like it’s taking forever crowd to get honest and transparent about how you feel right now.

Too many times we profess to be A-OKAY with the single life for fear of looking thirsty, being too forward or out to get a daddy for our children. One persons perception is not always another’s reality. The reality is that while we are out here patiently waiting to be pursued and boo’ed up at times it SUCKS! Yes, it ain’t all peaches and cream. But I can say for myself that I came out of the womb impatient. I want to be very HONEST in how I feel while waiting. Some may be freed by this and others may feel like it doesn’t apply to their process. I’m okay with both ends of the spectrum. But this must be said because there are a lot of people not being honest with themselves, their friends or potential mates for fear of how they are perceived. Ladies, it’s time to take the scarlet letter off and have a REAL conversation.

Here are the things I am leaving on the table. Pick them up or leave them as you see fit:

  • We want to be in healthy happy relationships and we do enjoy life, but waiting:
    • Is tiresome
    • Is lonely at times
    • Is uncomfortable and frankly you can get mad at God that Boaz ain’t coming quick enough
    • Will at times cause you to question your sexy, if your standards are unreasonable, or if marriage is really a part of God’s plan for your life
    • Is a time for self-reflection, internal and external work

We should not just be sitting around waiting for the phone to ring, the next text or the next inbox message! However we should be working on our craft, hopes, dreams and goals. But let’s be honest we want someone besides our good-good girlfriends, children and family to share IT with. Whatever your IT is.

  • We get tired of:
    • Going to family functions without a boothang
    • Carrying 50-11 groceries in the house
    • Not having someone to cuddle with at night
    • Doctoring ourselves when we are sick
    • Cooking for the kids when we are tired (Yes, men can cook too!)
    • Chauffeuring the kids everywhere by ourselves
  • Yes we want someone:
    • We can have great deep conversations with
    • We can travel with and without children (Hey, mama gotta life!)
    • We can bounce ideas off of
    • Who is a beast at Spades, Bid Whist, Phase 10, Uno and any other game that requires strategy and competition (Spades is LIFE for me. Don’t judge.)
    • Who will pray for us when we can’t pray for ourselves
    • Who values family and loves the women in their lives
    • Who will protect our hearts and honor us with their words and actions
    • Who will embrace our children like their own (I don’t believe in step.)
    • We can pray for, love on, support in deed and words, care for and invest our energy and time into their dreams
    • We can cheer for!

I am glad my friend encouraged me to write about this elephant. This messy, murky, sometimes uncomfortable middle. Yes, I guess 40 years old is middle-aged. In all of its guts and glory this is my story. It may or may not be yours. I’ve been married twice (third times a charm) and have had other relationships that for whatever reason didn’t work out. There’s enough blame for all parties to get their share.

But, people will keep telling you to be patient, wait on the Lord. Use this time for yourself. Pray for your husband he’s on his way. Well guess what? I’ve done all of that and I am still here 6 years later waiting, watching and wondering. However, I am also working on my goals, dreams and aspirations. I need to bring something to the table besides an empty plate with nothing on it. I am still raising my children (even the adult one), hanging with homegirls, enjoying my family and going through the motions of creating a life that I want to live and that someone else would want to be a part of.

Love and marriage are 2 things God ordained for us to have in all of its splendor and trials. No, I don’t think marriage will fix the broken places nor is it the pinnacle of all that I can accomplish. Marriage not only grows you but it exposes you. Who you marry is a reflection of who you are at that point in your life. It’s a representation of the inner work you have done before entering into a covenant agreement with someone else. I will however say that having been on both sides of the coin it is much better having someone to share the good, bad, and ugly (think stankin’ morning breath) than to not.

Again, this is just one female, 40-year-old, twice married, with 3 kids, a 9 t0 5 and a business thoughts on love, marriage and honesty, about where I am in life as of 10pm on a Sunday night. YOU may see life differently right now and that’s okay. But if any of this resonates with you holla at cha girl!

2016 isn’t over yet so let’s see what happens. Maybe someone will come correct and take me out on a date, or 2 or 3! I will still enjoy life, drink my chai tea lattes, and tootsie roll through life as I patiently wait. Because that’s just how I live. On my own terms

Me Tootsie Rollin’ through life at Shonita’s 40th Birthay Party